Leadfoot
68/365
Guess I can’t keep using Illinois driving habits now that I’m back in good old BFE, Wisconsin. I’ve been stopped twice this month- but both the Omar (Sheriff/Sharif- get it?) and the Trooper let me off with a warning. And no, I don’t bat my eyelashes or give a sob story. I just honestly admit how fast I was actually going when they ask if I know why I was pulled over and apologize politely for not following the regulations.
I actually used to be a fairly lawful and obedient driver until I spent about a year and a half living in the Chicago area. After I moved back to Wisconsin, I started getting terrible feelings of road rage dealing with slow drivers and getting upset that people here actually slow down for yellow lights and follow speed limits. The worst culprits are minvans of any make and Buicks- guaranteed to piss me off. The list of fake rules and driving habits below actually seemed to be followed pretty closely by drivers in Chicago city proper and suburbs from what I witnessed.
Driving in Illinois: Basic Rules (Kids- don’t try these at home… save them for your visit to Chi-town!)
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1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Illinois driver never uses them.
2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered going with the flow.
4. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
5. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will inevitably result in you being rear ended. If you want your insurance company to pay for a new rear bumper, come to a complete stop at all stop signs.
6. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.
7. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. Illinois is a no-fault insurance state and the other guy doesn’t have anything to lose.
8. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it’s a chance to stretch your legs.
9. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It’s a good way to scare people entering the highway.
10. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable in Illinois during rush hour.
11. Just because you’re in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn’t mean that a Illinois driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn’t think he can go faster in your spot.
12. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic in Illinois.
13. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.
14. Learn to swerve abruptly. Illinois is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to the State Highway Department, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers’ reflexes and keep them on their toes.
15. It is traditional in Illinois to honk your horn at cars that don’t move the instant the light changes.
16. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.
17. Remember that the goal of every Illinois driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
(No wonder we call ‘em FIBs here…) 
Author:loverfishy
